Chronicles of a Psychologist
by Teslyn
Summary: [crack!fic] Dr. Orochimaru sees many patients. Because the citizens and shinobi of Konoha aren't as mentally stable as we'd like to believe.[r&r]
1. Hyuuga Neji

**Name:** Chronicles of a Psychologist

**Chapter: **Chapter the First: Hyuuga Neji

**Rating:** T

**Summary: **The world-famous psychologist, Dr. Orochimaru, deals with a wide variety of patients, all of whom are quite severely troubled. Done in a series of one-shots. [Slightly AU;

**Disclaimer:** I'm prepared to fight those lawyers tooth and nail for Naruto! ... but until then, I don't know it.

* * *

Orochimaru was a very intelligent man. He was a genius, pure and simple. He excelled in all of his classes as a child, up until the point where his parents pulled him out of school and hired a well-learned gentleman called Sarutobi. Sarutobi-sensei, as Orochimaru fondly thought of him, was a very kind and sympathetic man, as well as a genius whose talents and intelligence surpassed Orochimaru's own. This, of course, made him the perfect tutor for the brilliant boy. 

Orochimaru went on to study the human mind; something that had always intrigued him. Later, when he decided to pursue the very noble career of a psychologist, a job worthy of his intelligence, everyone congratulated him when he received his P.H.D. in the subject.

Right now, though, Orochimaru currently doubted his sanity; he was currently pondering _what in the nine levels of hell_ had made him choose this path. He idly wondered if it was too late to switch careers.

He supposed he could do it if he wanted, but it'd be such a bother.

"Dr. O, can you help me?" the young man's voice cut in.

The psychologist sighed.

"Of course, Neji-kun. Tell me what's wrong."

"I've been getting this strange feeling around my younger cousin, Hyuuga Hinata. I'm sure you've heard of her – she's the Hyuuga clan's heiress." The Hyuuga clan's Wonder Boy started off, unsure of the reaction he'd receive.

Orochimaru looked up from his notes, studying his patient, who was currently reclining on a cushiony couch, staring at the ceiling. "Please describe these feelings," the doctor prompted.

"Of course. Well, I get this feeling in my stomach, and… well, I start thinking…" the boy faltered. Orochimaru was surprised to see a faint blush dust (no ing) across the boy's perfect features.

"Continue."

"Well, I think I'm in _love_ with Hinata!" the boy cried, anguished.

Now, though Orochimaru's sensei was sympathetic, that didn't mean Orochimaru himself was.

"What the _crap_?" the psychologist practically screamed. "Pull yourself together, man! She's your first cousin, for fuck's sake! Your fathers were _identical twin brothers!_ You and Hinata are practically half of the same person!"

Neji blinked, shocked.

"The only difference I see between you two, Neji-kun, is that Hinata is a shy _proper_ – " Orochimaru stressed the word 'proper' – "young lady and a decent kunoichi, while you are a scary-strong ANBU captain with a crazy I'm-A-Free-Bird-Well…-Well-I-Will-Be-Someday complex."

"But I feel as if we were meant to be togeth – " Neji attempted to protest.

"BE _TOGETHER_?" Orochimaru yelled. "Must I repeat myself? You're fucking first cousins! In case you haven't heard, that's _incest_ and it's very improper and _would_ be illegal if I had my way!"

Neji paled. "I know, but I can't help _lov__-_"

"LOVE? Neji-kun, I'd suggest you pick up a pretty young lady and screw her senseless until you get over your little crush on your _younger __first__ cousin_."

Neji let out a choked sob and fled from the building. While rushing across the street, blinded by the tears streaming from his eyes, he was promptly hit by a car and killed.

Dr. Orochimaru watched the scene from his office window.

'_Well, that got rid of the incest problem rather quickly_.'

**-_end_**

Let me know what you think. I think I'm on crack. The rest are sure to be less serious and more silly.

Yeah… uhm

For those of you waiting for a Fun with Akatsuki update.

Uh… I'm working on it.

D:

Lone Bird: she lies!

:glare:: No I don't!

**-****Teslyn**


	2. Questionable History

**Name:** Chronicles of a Psychologist

**Chapter the Second: **Questionable History

**Rating:** T

**Summary: **The world-famous psychologist, Dr. Orochimaru, deals with a wide variety of patients, all of whom are quite severely troubled. Done in a series of one-shots. [Slightly AU;

* * *

Dr. Orochimaru, fondly known as Dr. O by many of his patients, including the late Hyuuga Neji who actually wasn't quite dead (yet), was currently cowering in his Super-Awesome-Special Swirly Chair, an ANBU captain glaring down at him.

"And you had absolutely nothing to do with the death of the Sandaime Hokage?"

"Nothing!" Orochimaru glowered. After Neji-kun had woken from his (rather short, come to think of it) coma and screamed "I WANT THAT DR. OROCHIMARU _DEAD_, DAMNIT! HE RUINED MY DREAMS!", the ANBU had been on him like … like a bur stuck in a dog's fur! Like an Akimichi on barbeque! Honestly!

"And you don't know who Tsunade or Jiraiya are?"

"No, unless you count that random, stupid fairy-tale."

"And you're not a super-scary S-Class criminal who abducted Uchiha Sasuke with promises of power and revenge and/or candy?"

"Isn't that the kid who murdered my little brother?"

"Oh, Itachi? Poor kid, what the crap where your parents thinking when they named him? Where they on crack?"

"Think so. Same with me."

"Ah, I see. Well, we'll just finish up with these questions and then we'll leave."

"Kay."

The ANBU Captain resumed his Intimidating Interrogation Aura of Doom (tm!).

"And you are not planning, and never have planned, the destruction of Konoha?"

Orochimaru went back to being the misunderstood genius with a rather short temper.

"_NO,_ damnit! I'm just an average civilian with my P.H.D. in psychology!"

"Are you SURE you're not a shinobi with pedophile tendencies?"

"…"

"Okay then! We're done asking questions!"

"Oh god, I'm so relieved."

As soon as the ANBU left the room, Orochimaru, the super-scary-pedophilic-S-Class criminal crawled down the chimney.

"Gosh, Orochimaru, that was a close one."

Orochimaru nodded in relief, silently cursing his parents' tendancy to name their children after 'evil' people.

-_end_

Are you suitably confused? I am.

**-****Teslyn**

☺SUPER-SPECIAL-AWSOME BETA TIME☺

Hello readers! I'm Lonebird, Teslyn's beta! (not her slave) I'm the one who attempts to fix the madness that is Tesi's fanfiction. Confused? Try correcting one of her "flawless" _(damnit lone bird, they are flawless!) _first drafts. Then you'll start crying for your- ok getting of topic. Really though Teslyn is a great writer! (a slave driver)

This has been Lonebird's SUPER-SPECIAL-AWSOME BETA TIME ☺

Hope to appear again! (and not die this time)


	3. The Problem Child

**Name: **Chronicles of a Psychologist

**Chapter the Third: **The 'Problem' Child

**Raiting:** butterflys for teens

**Summary: **The world-famous psychologist, Dr. Orochimaru, deals with a wide variety of patients, all of whom are quite severely troubled. Done in a series of one-shots. A to the U.

* * *

"I must say, this is a complete surprise," Dr. Orochimaru said blandly, not sounding the least bit surprised. Folded hands resting atop a Lined Yellow-Paper Pad of Doom, and a pencil shoved through his hair and the band that held it back like a hair-stick, Dr. O looked completely professional and not at all like a psychotic, immortality-obsessed monster. But I digress.

"Was it?" the man sitting opposite him returned noncommittally.

"It was. In fact, I'm _very_ surprised you returned to this village at all."

Dr. O's newest patient burst into tears, and hastily the raven haired man covered his red, red-rimmed eyes. He continued this for about five minutes, before Dr. O took the initiative.

Grudgingly shoving a box of tissues at the younger man, he rolled his eyes. Careful not to let his irritation show, he said in a falsely kind voice, "Here, have a tissue."

The man, with the Uchiha Fan stitched to the back of his shirt practically yelling out to the world "LOOK, LOOK AT ME. I'M ONE OF THOSE UCHIHAS WHO ABANDONED KONOHA!", took the tissues and blew his nose obnoxiously with a noise that resembled a goose's honking.

"M-my parents didn't love me!" he wailed, waving a snot-filled tissue in the air. "THEY ONLY CARED ABOUT HOW WELL I WAS DOING AT THE ACADEMY!"

Dr. O dutifully wrote this down on his yellow pad:

_His parents hated his guts. He pauses in his sorrowful (note the sarcasm) tale to cry._

_I_

_I a_

_I am_

_I am b_

_I am bo_

_I am bor_

_GOOD GOD, he's finally stopped crying! Praise the lord for the __small favors!_

"Doctor, WHY DIDN'T MOMMY AND DADDY LOVE ME?" the Uchiha scream-rant-cried, throwing his hands up into the air melodramatically, as if he were asking the Heavens.

The Heavens, in their compassionate feelings towards the shinobi-who-was-neglected-as-a-child, continued to shine through the windows in the room.

Uchiha Itachi scowled at the windows.

"I didn't even want to become a shinobi," he added mournfully. "I wanted to work at Ichiraku Ramen, and wear a cute little dress." Tears threatened to spill over, again.

"In fact," he whimpered, "I'm not even a boy!"

Dr. Orochimaru dropped his pad and pencil, shocked. "WHAT? BUT YOU'VE SEEN ME NAKED!"

"I have?"

"I dunno, but that's what everyone says when a boy reveals that they're actually a girl."

"Oh, true. But _a-anyways_," Itachi stammered, the tears appearing again, "WHY oh WHY did I have to become a male shinobi?"

Dr. Orochimaru, still shocked, replied quite unsympathetically.

"Because your parents sucked and wanted a boy."

"BUT THEY GOT SASUKE!"

"Story of my fucking life. Join the club."

"Really?"

"No, but it sounded like a profound, but somewhat cliche thing to say."

**-end**

Iloveyou.

e.e

I know its short. My beta told me so. ):

-Tesi


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